Nightmares

Tomorrow will be the beginning of my twenty seventh week of pregnancy. That means that I will be entering the third and final trimester. Pretty scary huh? Apparently my subconscious thinks so also. I thought that I was keeping my nerves in check when it comes to thinking about giving birth but I must have just been repressing all those feelings because somehow they decided to come out in my dreams. I've heard of pregnant women having some pretty crazy pregnancy dreams but up until now I haven't really experienced it for myself. If you know me at all you know that I usually get pretty strange dreams when I'm not pregnant so I really didn't think it could get any stranger. But last night I had one that really freaked me out. It started out innocent enough, with me and Tim sitting in bed talking at night. Then I noticed that the little guy started moving so I turned to Tim so he could see. Then all of a sudden out of the side of my belly came this imprint of a foot! For some reason at this point in the dream I wasn't freaked out at all. I was more like "Hey look Tim how cute! A little foot sticking out!" In reality this has never happened so it would have probably been a strange sight to behold, but in the dream it was perfectly normal. So anyway, back to the dream. So this impression of a foot is sticking out of my belly so of course I touch it. Then it seemed like the baby liked me touching his foot because he tried to stick it out farther. Now if he had tried to stick it out farther in real life he wouldn't have gotten it out very far because my tummy would have been way too tight for that. But in the dream he was able to practically stick his whole foot out of the side of my tummy without causing me any pain or discomfort in the stretching of my skin. So anyway, while this is happening, my dream self is not freaking out. No, my dream self is just in awe and thinking how darn cute it is that this foot is sticking straight out of my tummy. Wait, it gets weirder. So then all of a sudden while I am holding this baby foot in my hand I notice that there is a blister on my skin where the foot is sticking out. So I ask Tim, "Do you see this? What is it?" And Tim says "I don't know, hold it up to the lamp so I can get a better look." So I do what I am told. Then under the light I notice that this blister is starting to leak. As in it is leaking water. And I am thinking how strange that is. Then all of a sudden I notice that my whole stomach is leaking this clear fluid. At first I am just dumbfounded. Then I look down and I notice that I not only still have this little foot in my hand but I also have the baby out in my arms. So I am holding this baby, not really sure how it got there and I notice that the umbilical chord is still in tact. So apparently I am holding the baby that was just INSIDE me a few seconds earlier. And I'm thinking, Holy Crap! How did this happen? Then I notice something else. That the baby is squirming around in my hands but not making a sound. And I also notice that he has this look of anguish on his face. It takes me a few more seconds to realize that he can't breath. Then I panicked. I didn't know what to do so I scream at Tim to call the hospital. Tim on the other hand doesn't seem phased at all by what has been going on and he proceeds to call someone. I don't know who he calls exactly but I knew it wasn't the doctor or the hospital or freaking 911. So I start screaming at Tim that something is wrong with the baby and I don't know what to do. Then I look down at the poor little suffocating baby and his eyes are wide open staring at me and his face is stuck in that same horrible anguished look trying to scream but he can't. And then he stops moving and dies. Just like that. With that same look on his face, with his lifeless eyes staring at me. And I didn't do anything to help him. Because I couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do. Now in real life, I'm sure that I would have been smart enough to clear out his airways but in my dream that just never occurred to me. Anyway, so I woke up from this dream in the middle of the night sweating a very cold sweat and with my heart racing. It must have woken up my little guy too because he was inside rolling around like crazy. I'm glad he was though so that I could tell he was okay. But I tell you, that was the scariest dream I have ever had. I wonder if it means that I'm scared I can't handle a baby or something. Whatever the case, it's going to take a while for me to forget. I just can't wait til my real life baby can be born safely so I don't have to worry anymore. Anyway, hopefully getting the dream out in writing will help it get out of my head.